Are you a fan of the Jungle Cruise? Do you like jokes so BAD that they’re awesome? Ya, know like Dad jokes? If so keep reading for the ten best Jungle Cruise jokes.
Jungle Cruise is my all-time favorite attraction. I am a sucker for bad jokes, which is exactly what this attraction is all about. While Jungle Cruise skippers have their standard jokes there are always new ones popping up as skippers spend more and more time lost out in the jungle.
Of course, in 2021, we got a whole Jungle Cruise movie that was just packed in new bad jungle jokes, as well as a nod to the classic jokes, told on the attraction.
The List of the 10 Best Jungle Cruise Jokes
On Previous Jobs
Before I came to the Jungle, I worked in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate. My boss almost beat the pulp out of me…
On Haunted Mansion
Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this boat actually leaving the dock? Or is it your imagination? And consider this dismaying observation: this boat is completely surrounded with water, and I’m you skipper. Which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out! Of course you could always swim away!!!
Do you know why it’s so hard to eat zebra? You keep getting white meat – dark meat – white meat – dark meat.
Waterfalls and the Eighth Wonder of the World
This is the backside of Schweitzer Falls, named for the backside of the famous explorer, Dr. Albert Falls.
We are now entering the most dangerous part of our journey. Shhh. . . This is a bad place to be headed.
A Classic Paradox
As we approach, please notice that there’s a dock on the left, and a dock on the right. But don’t let it confuse you. It’s a paradox. Also on the dock is a pair of dorks, they will help you out of the boat.
Pirates of the Caribbean
I think you knows too much. You’ve seen the cursed treasure. You know where it be hidden. You may not survive to pass this way again. DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES. . .
Awe look at those elephants bathing over there. You know, you make think that’s water coming out of their trunks but it’s snot.
There’s old Trader Sam, head salesman of the area. Business has been shrinking lately, so this week only, Sam’s offering a two-for-one special: two of his, for one of yours!
Oh no! Look at the Hippos that are about to attack the boat. Don’t worry I know just the thing that will scare them away, it worked on my last boyfriend. Screams, “HEY HIPPOS I LOVE YOU. I REALLY WANT TO MARRY YOU AND BE WITH YOU FOREVER AND EVER.”
Even More Jungle Cruise Jokes
- Check out the butterflies on both sides of the boat, their wing span ranges from 1 foot to a whopping 12 inches. This makes them the ruler of the jungle.
- Butterflies aren’t what they used to be… caterpillars.
- Around here it rains about 365 days a year, if you think about it that’s almost every day.
- Tigers can jump over 20 feet but don’t worry we are only 15 feet away, he would just jump right over us.
- Feel free to take out your cameras and get some pictures of elephants, they all have their trunks on.
- As we enter the Nile River you will notice it goes on for Niles, and Niles, and Niles, and if you don’t believe me you are in denial.
- You will notice a rock structure on both sides of the boat it’s sandstone, a lot of people take it for granite.
- That’s why I am your skipper, I always come armed… and legged.
- I would like to point out a few of my favorite plants (silently points to random plants outside the boat).
- The 8th wonder of the World, the backside of what 02H, 02H, 02H!
- Do you know why I can tell that’s a Python and not a Boa? No feathers.
- The most dangerous part of your journey is the return to civilization.
Jungle Cruise Movie Quotes
One of my favorite things about the Jungle Cruise movie starring the Rock and Emily Blunt is that they used classic quotes from the attraction in the movie mixed in with some new fresh jokes. Most of these punny quotes appear at the beginning of the movie. Here are just some of the Jungle Cruise jokes that made the movie cut.
- First of all, let me congratulate you on your excellent choice of a skipper. Of all the Jungle Cruises you could take in the Amazon this one is undoubtedly the cheapest. But also the most thrilling.
- If you look to the left of the boat you will see very playful Tucans they are playing their favorite game of beak wrestling. The only drawback is only two can play.
- The rocks you see here on the river are sandstone but some people just take them for Granite, it’s one of my bolder attractions.
- Before this, I used to work in an orange juice factory. But I got canned, I couldn’t concentrate. Ya, they put the squeeze on me too.
- You know they say that boa constrictor over there can eat 500 pounds per sitting. Personally, I find that very hard to swallow.
- This is the highlight of my tour, my favorite part of the jungle, ladies, and gentlemen get ready for the 8th wonder of the world, the backside of water!
- Listen up I get paid by the number of people I take out not by the number of people I bring back. Hold on!
- Well folks you were all outstanding today, now I need you all out standing on the dock. That means get off my boat, I am only serious.
- Ma’am don’t forget your baggage, he is behind you.
- Had a girlfriend once who was crossed-eyed, and didn’t work out, we could never see eye to eye. I am also quite sure she was seeing someone on the side.
Specific Jungle Cruise Jokes by Area
Start of Ride
- Wave goodbye to all those people standing on the dock, you aren’t going to see them for 2 and half weeks. Just kidding you are never going to see them again.
- If you don’t laugh at my bad jokes I am going to become your swimming instructor.
- Raise your hand if you want to get wet on this ride! Alright very good, now jump out.
- By a show of hands who here can swim? Great those of you who don’t have your hands raised look at your floatation devices should the boat become underwater.
- Out here in the Amazon it is known to rain 365 days a year but looking around I think it’s safe to say we have mist one.
- On eithier side of the boat you will see some butterflies with a very impressive wing span they range all the way from 12 inches to a whopping one foot. That’s why they are known as the rulers of the jungle.
- Everyone say, oooooooooo, great now everyone say, ahhhhhhhhhh, Sounds like inspiration to me!
- Know why we call it inspiration falls? Just look at it! They say if you stare at it long enough it inspires you to go. Go, deeper into the jungle is what they mean I think.
Boat House / Canoes
- I can’t see anyone, canoe?
- Hey look there is Stew, he is in the pot.
Snake in Tree
- A giant snake sitting in the sitting in the tree, H-I-S-S-I-N-G
- Don’t let that snake develop a crush on you, it will be your main squeeze for life
- Does anyone know what kind of snake that is? Begins with P… not Python good guess though, Plastic!
- Watch out that snake might develop a crush on you, it would be a pretty constricting relationship
- Oh wow a Python! I know he is a pie-thon because he is exact 3.1415 meters long.
- I asked those gorillas to break down my camp but now it just looks like they are breaking everything. I don’t find that very appealing at all, so we better split!
- Wow, I couldn’t get my jeep to start this morning but it looks like those gorillas were able to get it to turn over.
Safari African Belt
- The Africian Bull elephant the second most feared animal in the jungle, the first most feared? It’s his mother-in-law.
- Look at these rock formations made out of sandstone, you know a lot of people take them for granite. I know it’s one of the bolder attractions, it rocks.
- On the rocks is a pride of lions watching over that sleeping zebra, how cute!
- I am just kidding, the zebra, he is dead tired.
- Oh look at that sleeping zebra, so cute don’t you just want to wake him up? We are going to let him rest in peace though.
- Look at those zebras at the top of the hill, we know their the oldest animal since they are still in black and white.
- Look at those lions sharing their meal with such pride.
- Of course, Schweitzer Falls is named after World famous Dr. Albert Falls. If you are not familiar with the doctor don’t worry about it we are going over Falls later.
- Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. I proudly present the backside of water.
- Folk never try this at home you will hit your head on the faucet.
- It’s the 8th wonder of the World, the backside of water, I bet you don’t see that every day, unless your me.
- I bet you are wondering how I landed my job here, I think it’s plane to see I took a crash course and now I am just winging it.
- I wanted to an airplane pilot but I think it’s plane to see that career didn’t take off the way I thought it would.
- Oh wow folks, looks like someone thought we were taking out submaring voyages that is easily 20K under water.
- Someone told me that when a hippo wiggles his ears it’s a sign of affection. I have only seen them do it before they charge a boat. I keep telling them I only carry cash but I don’t think they get it.
Ancient Temple Ruins
- The statue out front shows the ruler of the temple, Shirley. So this must be Shirley’s temple.
- These bamboo shoots on the outside are said to grow 6 feet tall, some say 7 but that’s another story.
- There is no telling where this temple may end, but this is Disney, so it’s probably a gift shop.
- Hey, folks see the vines on the walls, we have entered a root canal.
- Look at that tigers stripes, you know why they have strips right? It’s to avoid being spotted.
Elephant Bathing Pool
- It’s okay to take pictures folks, they all have their trunks on.
- Did you know most elephants can only grow up to four feet. Yeah it’s true, most humans can only grow up to two feet.
- That’s my friend Birtha over there she has been in that shower for, forever you can tell by all her wrinkles.
- Most people think that is water coming out of their trunks, it’s snot.
Gift Shop Trader Sam
- Trader Sam is probably out collecting more merchandise, people leave strollers full of it all over the place.
- If you ever want to try on a hat, just like a jungle skipper know, we are the experts at cap-sizing.
End Of Jungle Cruise
- You all have been so outstanding on this journey but now I am going to need you out standing on those docks.
- I am going to leave you with the same advice my parents gave me when I turned 18, honey we love you but GET OUT!
- Some one save me, I will be around, and around and around and around, ya know every 10 to 12 minutes.
- I tried to be a baker once, turns out you need a lot of dough, turns out I didn’t have any of that.
- I applied to work in an orange juice factory, things went pretty well there until I got canned for not being able to concentrate.
- A lot of people say my career is just going in circles, I say it’s like a swiggle oval thing.
- There will be two skippers to help you out on the dock ahead, I call them a pair of dorks.
- If you find yourself passing by the Jungle Cruise later, keep going, sometimes I wish I could.
Catch a Video of the Jungle Cruise Jokes
Just reading jungle cruise jokes really doesn’t do it justice. It’s all about the delivery right? Watch the video below to get the full effect of all the Jungle Cruise jokes.
2022 Jungle Cruise Ride Through
Jingle Cruise Full Ride – Holiday Christmas Layover
Conclusion on Jungle Cruise Jokes
What are your favorite Jungle Cruise jokes? Do you also find yourself finishing the skipper jokes before they do? Have you heard any better than those listed in our list? Have you played the Jungle Cruise Game? Be sure to share them in the comment section below! If you want more things Jungle Cruise read Changes Coming to Jungle Cruise Attraction.
I have been visiting the parks annually since my parents first brought me at just a year old. Recently I was able to fulfill my life long dream of being a Florida local and moved from the wintery Northeast to the sunshine and fun of central Florida. Now I am hoping to share my Disney knowledge with you so you can have the best vacation possible!
Need More Help Planning Your Vacation?
A travel agent is an essential resource when planning a vacation. Reach out to Magical Travel and they will make sure your vacation is pure magic and no stress! Their services are 100% FREE to you!
Monday 17th of October 2022
This is what I would say as we leave the docks... "Don't worry folks if you forgot to exchange your money to the local currency.... There are banks all along the river..."
Thursday 25th of August 2022
I was a jungle guide for a while. One of my original lines was "Now there's something you don't see everyday - although I do." But it could have come from somewhere. Be fun to locate the written out spiel that was given to you.
Pros and Cons of Disney’s upcoming Jungle Cruise Movie – Pop Cultural Studies
Friday 16th of August 2019
[…] every Jungle Cruise performance can be different, I googled “Best Jungle Cruise Jokes” to narrow down some of the best lines that the Jungle Cruise skippers have. I’ve sampled a […]
Thursday 28th of March 2019
Has anyone ever heard the joke about the pressed pennies? "There's a souvenir you can buy for 51 cents, you'll be really pressed to find anything for less"? I think there was more to it, but I wish I could remember! Thanks!